My Exploding Cat

Just stories and drawings really, no actual fissile felines.

Blog, 8/23/2013: Anything Your HS Boyfriend Does, My Cat Can Do Better (Well… Sort Of)

Note: I’m not disparaging all guys. Just, like, 95% of those I’ve seen in couples at my high school (and, well, some people’s adult boyfriends, because there are those who are permanently mentally teenagers). Granted, a pet rock has advantages over those. But don’t overanalyze…

My cat Jake is a huge, muscular Egyptian Mau. He weighs a very full fifteen pounds, and very little of that is fat, because he’s just so big. He’s very attached to me–Maus tend to glom on to one person that they claim as theirs, and I’m his. Recently, it’s occurred to me that he behaves much like a high school boyfriend, except better.

He has a six-pack… under a layer of fluffy, creamy, spotted fur.

He’s possessive of me… and it’s adorable and kind of hilarious rather than stalkerish or suspicious.

He likes to cuddle and watch movies… and makes no demands to watch 300 again rather than my weird speculative-fiction Netflix list.

He demands my attention… so I’ll scratch his ears and behind his whiskers.

He’s got a beard… of soft white whipped-cream fur.

He yells at me… and it’s funny enough to belong on YouTube.

He kinda smells… but not of Axe.

He keeps me awake at night… demanding to be let into my room. No, out of my room. No, in. It’s still better than depressive late-night texts or the needy midnight romantic conversation you’ve been too diplomatic to end. It also ends in a smaller phone bill.

He makes lovey-dovey cat blinks at me… instead of the expectant, nervous, premature “I love you” that ladies across the centuries have struggled with responding to. All you have to do with a cat is slow-blink back.

That, or he sleeps on me… without the obvious ensuing complications this entails when a human male does the same thing. (Kids, don’t ask.)

If you like, the cat will listen to your problems without feeling the need to barge in and fix them for you.

The cat will probably jump up on places he’s not supposed to and manage to make a mess, but so will your boyfriend.

If the cat tries to eat your food, you can give him a bop on the nose with your hand, which you can’t get by with when a human does it.

Rescue cats sometimes come with emotional damage. With TLC and time, the cat will get over it. Rescue boyfriends are typically not the same way.

Your cat may get fur all over your clothes, but I doubt he’ll ever give you a hickey.

You have to clean up their crap. Was I talking about cats or teenage boys? Well, think about it.

Cats don’t need you to attend their football games.


Obviously, there are a few things that will not happen with a cat and may eventually happen with a boyfriend, but I’m sixteen, so… I’ll take the cat. (Although cat  + engagement ring would also make a ridiculously funny YouTube video if done right…)


Anyway, if you have a malfunctioning Creepy Guy Alert System, just get a cat. Lots cheaper and far more convenient. Plus, they’re cuddly.

That is all. :3

This entry was posted on Friday, August 23rd, 2013 at 12:48 pm and is filed under Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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